Am I going over to the dark side?
Last weekend, when I was at HOT, I was standing next to their current half-time assistant minister (who is my primary competition for the full-time version of her job... awkward!), having just introduced myself, when someone came up to her and complimented her haircut. Then they said, "Now you look ten years old instead of twelve! But a cute ten!" It was horrifying.
Here's the thing, though: it was a really bad haircut. She did look ten years old.
I say this having also seen this woman celebrate the early liturgy at HOT. She is whatever the opposite of charismatic is, at least on the altar. I have the pleasure of going to a lot of church services, and hearing a lot of people preside at the Eucharist, and believe me, all priests are not created alike. This was one of the things that led to me telling the pastor of HOT that I wasn't going to recreate the quiet-young-lady-priest dynamic.
The rector re-told me that story, and ended it by saying, "I mean, people just don't say things like that to me. I'm a big personality." And he also said a thing or two about how HOT, being all old and stuff, can still be pretty sexist.
Thing is, people don't say that type of stuff to me, either. Sometimes they tell me they like my shoes or my sweater, but that's about it. I asked my kids and their sponsors how old they thought I was, and the agree-upon age was 29. At the time, I was confused about how to take that -- should I be insulted that they thought I was a full 3 years older than I had just turned? Or complimented that they thought of me as a real adult? (Oh man, I also went on a youth group retreat where I was asked multiple times whose mom I was. I would have had to start in middle school to have birthed one of the kids on the bus. That one just made me laugh.)
There's a lot in there that I can't control. My hair is already going gray, which I'm sure makes some people up their estimates. I have really dry skin which is only going to get more wrinkly as I get into my thirties.
But there are some things I can control. When I go to work I dress the part; I put on heels and serious person clothes. I tell my hairdresser to make me look professional. I do not allow her to give me a pixie cut, because I am aware it would make me look like a 10 year old boy (or, with all those grays, like a round of "Older lesbian or Midwestern lady?"). I anticipate wearing a clerical collar more than strictly necessary for a few months when I am first ordained and in a new place, to help establish my authority. Quiet Young Lady Priest didn't seem to be doing any of this damage control.
Point being, am I joining the dark side? Is being honest with myself about my opinion of the interim assistant's haircut some form of victim-blaming? Are my slightly uncomfortable shoes (girl has to be able to run after the youth group in those heels, yo, they're not stilettos) just another form of internalized kyriarchical self-hate?
God, her shoes were so, so ugly. She had a baby in December, but honestly.
Here's the thing, though: it was a really bad haircut. She did look ten years old.
I say this having also seen this woman celebrate the early liturgy at HOT. She is whatever the opposite of charismatic is, at least on the altar. I have the pleasure of going to a lot of church services, and hearing a lot of people preside at the Eucharist, and believe me, all priests are not created alike. This was one of the things that led to me telling the pastor of HOT that I wasn't going to recreate the quiet-young-lady-priest dynamic.
The rector re-told me that story, and ended it by saying, "I mean, people just don't say things like that to me. I'm a big personality." And he also said a thing or two about how HOT, being all old and stuff, can still be pretty sexist.
Thing is, people don't say that type of stuff to me, either. Sometimes they tell me they like my shoes or my sweater, but that's about it. I asked my kids and their sponsors how old they thought I was, and the agree-upon age was 29. At the time, I was confused about how to take that -- should I be insulted that they thought I was a full 3 years older than I had just turned? Or complimented that they thought of me as a real adult? (Oh man, I also went on a youth group retreat where I was asked multiple times whose mom I was. I would have had to start in middle school to have birthed one of the kids on the bus. That one just made me laugh.)
There's a lot in there that I can't control. My hair is already going gray, which I'm sure makes some people up their estimates. I have really dry skin which is only going to get more wrinkly as I get into my thirties.
But there are some things I can control. When I go to work I dress the part; I put on heels and serious person clothes. I tell my hairdresser to make me look professional. I do not allow her to give me a pixie cut, because I am aware it would make me look like a 10 year old boy (or, with all those grays, like a round of "Older lesbian or Midwestern lady?"). I anticipate wearing a clerical collar more than strictly necessary for a few months when I am first ordained and in a new place, to help establish my authority. Quiet Young Lady Priest didn't seem to be doing any of this damage control.
Point being, am I joining the dark side? Is being honest with myself about my opinion of the interim assistant's haircut some form of victim-blaming? Are my slightly uncomfortable shoes (girl has to be able to run after the youth group in those heels, yo, they're not stilettos) just another form of internalized kyriarchical self-hate?
God, her shoes were so, so ugly. She had a baby in December, but honestly.
posted by HighlySelective at 3:22 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home